MEOW!
2012
TIME TO COMPLAIN! Here are the 10 lumps of coal of 2012!
10.) Snow White and the Huntsman--Now, there were a couple of aspects that proved to work more than it should. Some of the performances, such as Charlize Theron as the Queen and Chris Hemsworth as the Huntsman, were actually pretty good for the disappointing material that they were given with. Most of the technical aspects, especially Florence + The Machine's "Breath of Life" at the end credits, were absolutely breathtaking, and should be considered for a couple of Oscar nominations come January. The reason why this is a part of the unofficial worst-of-the-year-list, apart from the so-called-stick ending that this film will forever be haunted for, is that there is little to no emotional investment towards its characters. Snow White (-feh- Kristen Stewart) is locked up in a tower for, what, nine years after the Queen takes control of the kingdom? We're supposed to feel the pain and anguish of Snow's suffering, and we get none of that here. When one of the dwarves dies, we express our sorrow like how Bella Swan feels about the paper cut she gets on her finger in New Moon. Yeah...it's THAT emotional, folks. Get ready to bring some tissues. With such beautiful imagery, it should be expected to have an emotional chord to go along with it. To be fair, I did feel something at the end of this film, and it was the wrong emotion: -_-
9.) John Carter--Also known as "the flop that almost destroyed Disney forever," I don't think John Carter is that much of a disaster. Much like Snow White and the Huntsman, there were a couple of moments that proved to be worthwhile. One is when the title character (Taylor Kitsch) has a flashback of him burying his wife while he battles the aliens, and then there's those last five minutes. I mean...yeah...it gives me chills. Of course, it helps to have a composer like Michael Giacchino tagging along, so perhaps that's the case. What makes John Carter self-destruct, however, are two components of filmmaking that one must focus on in order to make a great film: pacing and storytelling. Boy, is the pacing all over the place. At one point, there can be a flying bat-pod-like(what?) chase on Mars, but in the next scene, there would be one gigantic expositionary sequence that isn't worth a buck, let alone eight. And while we're on exposition, there's a ton of it in this film. And sadly, there's no point to emotionally invest in it all; it becomes a frustrating chore to sit through. It's a shame that this was made by Andrew Stanton, the same guy who directed a small fish ta(i)le titled Finding Nemo. Unlike that film, something was truly fishy during the process of filming John Carter.
8.) Journey 2: The Mysterious Island--What else can you say, really? I mean, the one thing that stood out from experiencing Journey 2: The Mysterious Island was the Looney Tunes short before the film, which was AWESOME, by the way. The only reason I saw this was that I needed an escape from the scholarships that I completed. Other than that, it was just one forgettable film, with the exception of having to write about it. I remember seeing the first Journey film in 3-D, which came out at a time when 3-D was becoming *the new thing.* I have to be honest, it was an awesome treat; there was nothing awesome about this. Did this really have to be made? Is there an actual purpose regarding its existence? It was cheaply put together, lacked a spirited sense of adventure, and...oh yeah, now I ironically remember, it was forgettable. C'mon parents, HUGO was out in theaters somewhere at that time. You could've taken the kids to see that instead! Meh, I have nothing else to say about this film. It's just not worth your time when there's so many good films out there. That is, unless you want to experience Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson' woo the ladies with his 'pectoral' routine. Cherries, watch out.
7.) Men in Black III--I'm a sucker for really good three-quels, as both Toy Story 3 and The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King have proved in the past. This is not a really good three-quel; it's a pointless and uninteresting three-quel. Most of the jokes fall flat on its face, while the dull story and its environments give no reason for us to care. Not even the performances can be able to make us to care about what's going on. I mean, come on, it's about TIME TRAVEL! You're meeting the past version of someone that you have known for a long time! Why not get to know K (Tommy Lee Jones)'s family a little more? And regarding the third-act twist, why not focus on that relationship and the problems that they had while connecting it all together? Heck, instead of making Men in Black III, why not make a bloody Fresh-Prince of Bel-Air film, and have it come out on Will Smith's birthday (September 25th--the same birthday as MINE!)?? Oh, never mind, let's focus on the film as is. . . .Wow, it's truly difficult to focus on a film as is when there are so many possibilites that you can create when it comes to TIME TRAVEL! And the choice that these filmmakers chose to tell this story is an insignificant one to say the least. See Looper instead.
6.) Pitch Perfect--I love music. I like Anna Kendrick. I absolutely love going to the movies. I almost *hated* Pitch Perfect. A woman vomits twice in this film, and the result is more cringe-worthy than hilarious. Most of the men and women represented in this film are caricatures that you would never, ever, EVER come across in your life. It also contains one of the most obligatory references to The Breakfast Club you will ever see in a film. Above all else, however, this film is surprisingly mean-spirited. You know a muscial-comedy is in trouble when one of the first jokes in the film is a mark against women, and it causes an awkward "ooooh" from the audience. That said, there are people who are going to like this film for most of the reasons that I don't, and I understand. But if this film is going to become a quotable cult-classic like Mean Girls, then I want no part of it. At least Mean Girls has a brain, a heart, and a brilliant script by Tina Fey. This film doesn't know Aretha Franklin that well to understand what R-E-S-P-E-C-T is.
5.) Rock of Ages--I love the music to this. It's rockin' music, which makes the cliched pun all the more valid. And I can see people being attached to this film; I went with a couple of friends to see this, and they absolutely loved it. I...did not. Not even close. I actually thought it was bad to the bone, which is another wonderfully cliched pun. It was a painful chore to sit through. The music is fun at first, and I was bopping my head to classics such as "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" and a mash up of "We're Not Gonna Take It/We Built This City." But honestly, I could listen to those songs on YouTube, and get a real kick out of them by itself. There's no point of sitting through a one-hour rock concert mixed with a one-hour story of sheer pointlessness, especially one that doesn't give you any emotional investment toward its characters, or, at the very least, a sense of joy. Also, there are some scenes that are not only tough to endure; they also made me cringe in ways you couldn't imagine. There's one scene with Tom Cruise singing "Wanted Dead or Alive," and let me tell you, it ain't a pretty sight. Let's just say this: theories have been made that Katie Holmes divorced Tom Cruise due to her enduring any scene of him making out with other women (OK, there was only one theory, and that was mine. But...hey, it could've happened.). And you know a film is in trouble when Alec Baldwin and Russell Brand can't convince us that they're a couple. Sorry folks, this is a definite skip-skip-de-doodlee-doo.
4.) Premium Rush--Over the past couple of years, we have seen Joseph Gordon-Levitt portray some interesting characters. In Inception, he was Dom Cobb's right-hand man whenever the dream was collapsing. In 50/50, he was a man who had cancer, and had to learn to live a good life through a difficult situation. And in this year, he played a Looper in...well, Looper, which was absolutely phenomenal. He was also in Premium Rush, and he plays a biker with a package that connects to two other characters in NYC. He doesn't do a bad job here; he's just in a REALLY bad film. Sure, some of it was very well-visualized, such as when he knows how to get through a jam a few seconds before it happens. I'll make a confession, however, and I swear this will be the only time that I will EVER do this. Mid-way through this film, I had to go use the loo. The bladder just couldn't take it for an old whipper-snapper like me! And when I got back, guess what? I didn't miss anything. This film is THAT uninteresting, and, suffice to say, somewhat god-awful. Michael Shannon's subplot in this film is by far one of the worst aspects of any film I've seen all year. Not only is it about as dull and pointless as the chum I refused to eat at the Chum Bucket; it's about as cheesy as the Easy Mac I ate a couple of months ago, only in the complete opposite direction of its cheesiness. This film would've been so much better had it been focused just on Joseph Gordon-Levitt's character, but as is, it's one of the worst films of the year. You may never want to go to NYC again.
3.) Dr. Seuss' The Lorax--There are five minutes of this film that works, and they are at the very end. Those five minutes are b-e-a-utiful. It's the only part of the film that doesn't make me cringe and ask "Santa Claus...why? Why are you taking our Christmas tree? Why?," and then the Grinch says that he's "taking it back to his workshop" and all of that hypocritical jazz. That's what the rest of The Lorax feels like. It feels like one big joke that is meant to torture the corpse of Theodore Giesel until it turns into ashes. I mean, what happened? I LOVED Horton Hears a Who! Of course, they had to expand the universes of Horton and the Whos, but it remained faithful to the original source material 100%. It also made "We Are Here! We Are Here! We Are Here!" EPIC again! I mean, my god, that scene gave me chills! This film...I don't know how they got it wrong, but they really did. There are jokes in The Lorax that are almost borderline offensive. "That's a Woman?" Yes, the wise-ol' Lorax, who is meant to respect every little detail of the environment (Yes, humans count, too.), actually offended a human being. Yes, kids. It's OK to make fun of gender-confused human beings, as long as you respect the trees. Because, ya know, the trees are more important than people, and they are ESPECIALLY more important than your parents who will pay for your college tuition someday. And as it turns out, it's also OK to make fun of fat people, or in this case, fat bears that can also represent a fifth grader getting picked on for his/her weight. What a wonderfully hypocritical message you're trying to send, Illumination. Speaking of hypocrisy, I could go on all day about how the environmental message means NOTHING when you count all of the SUV commercials The Lorax graciously supported during its marketing campaign. But hey, I'll just end here. As an animation fan, I'm angry that an animated film has to end up as being one of the very worst films of the year. But, there you have it. How Despicable is that?
2.) Dark Shadows--Good thing I admired Frankenweenie, because had that not came out, I would have officially considered Dark Shadows to be Tim Burton's finest sell-out. As of right now, I'll consider it one of the worst films of the year instead. How? I mean...H.O.W did this film possibly fail? You had Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, Michelle Pfeiffer, and HUGO's very own Chloe Grace Moretz. You also had a pretty decent art direction team, and a pretty groovy selection of songs. Plus, Danny Elfman? What an amazing composer, that man is! So again, H.O.W. could this film have failed so miserably with such a talented group of actors? Oh...easily. When a film uses ungodly cheap product placement such as McDonald's as a joke in the script, it truly lands in the darkest of shadows. But when a film bores you, and uninterests you like the plague, then it's almost a crime and sin at the same time against vampire lore. Nothing in this film is enjoyable. Not even Captain Jack can save the Black Pearl this time from the Kraken. Not even Mrs. Lovett can save her beloved meat pies from being tossed into the garbage. Not even Isabelle can read something that can lead her to something magical, unless if she reads a spell that, when deciphered, actually says something like "I"m going to unnecessarily turn into a werewolf for no reason whatsoever so that it can please the Twilight generation." I mean...REALLY? Is that the best you can do, Burton? Did you not read the script beforehand? Did you think that anything you could touch can turn into green? Did you think that a PG-13 rated sex scene between Johnny Depp and Eva Green would NOT be unintentionally hilarious? I hope that your next live-action project is a success, because this film is the lowest point of your career.
You're never going to read this, are you, Tim?
And so, we have come to #1. I'm just warning you film lovers right now that #1 will come as a shock to you, as it does to me. This film is said to be a contender for Best Picture. If this is intended to win that award, then I don't want to watch the Oscars this year. It's a shame, really. Filmmaking is hard. It takes money to make a film, and there wasn't a lot of money in this budget. They cast inexperienced unknowns to play the parts, particularly the little girl, and they were OK at best. And it revolved around a truly imaginative concept that, if executed incredibly well, could've been the masterpiece that everyone has been praising it as.
Which pains me to say that Beasts of the Southern Wild is not only the worst film of the year; it's probably one of the worst films that I've ever had the displeasure of viewing.
Now I knew how my sister felt when she saw Where The Wild Things Are for the first time at the Cinestudio in Hartford. This film is deplorable. The style of filmmaking Benh Zeitlin goes for here turns people off right away. It is a test of endurance to sit through thanks (or no thanks) to an unbeweavably slow pace, and zero interest for the characters of its story. And the story...there's no story. And if there is one, it makes no sense. Oh, forgive me, I need to emphasize. It makes *NO SENSE AT ALL!* If THIS is what counts as pure storytelling nowadays, then I guess I'm one of those people that needs to go watch Ted again, don't I? At least that film had a relatable story with relatable characters; this film...yeah, a wonderful story with a strong, young female character that *stares* for that Oscar win. Sorry, hun. Staring doesn't get you anywhere unless you have a reason to do so in the story. And if there is a reason, then make us feel something instead of making us stare as well. It's no fun to have a staring contest. It's just weird.
You see what boredom can cause? It can cause a human to write things that they wouldn't normally write because no charm is set for the experience to entirely succeed. It is SO difficult to capture that charm. Beasts of the Southern Wild, along with the rest of the films that I have mentioned in this post, have no charm. They're examples as to why, at times, I regret wasting a couple of dollars and hours in the discomfort of a movie theater. So that's my list of the worst films I have seen this year. If you have picks for the worst films you have seen this year, comment below, or if you have a Facebook, like my Facebook page titled "Patrick Connolly (or P-Con), and you can comment down there. http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/thiswillbeagreatday?fref=ts
Until next time,
MEOW!
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